Widowing through uncertain times

Well this was an unexpected turn of events, wasn’t it?

There are so many things I want to say to you all right now. I want to tell you that however you’re feeling is fine, and lots of other people are probably feeling that exact same way, too. Everyone is struggling to focus. Everyone has had their expectations of the future taken away and replaced with elements of the unknown. It’s okay if you’re finding this difficult – uncertainty is hard for our brains. I want to tell you to go easy on yourself.

Why am I sitting here prattling on like some touchy-feely wannabe Stuart Smalley for the global pandemic epoch? Yeah, I’m not sure that I like this tone, either. Not enough jokes, for one thing. I don’t blame you if you decide to stop reading this and go back to day drinking and Tiger King.

But really – why? Because I’m seeing so many people I love really struggling right now, and I’m trying to figure out if there’s a way I can help. You see, I’ve recently discovered that coping with uncertainty is my new superpower. The universe (with a massive assist from the Home Office) has generously spent the last several years training me to cope with this exact situation.

• Ominous looming threat? Check.*
• No international travel? Check.**
• Social distancing and maniacal hand-washing? Check.***
• Spending most of the day alone in my flat with the cat? Check.****
• Career (and life) uncertainty? Check.*****

Hard stuff to go through, absolutely, but this is not a pity party. I am doing fine. I am relying on all the tools I’ve gathered up and learned to wield over the years. I know when to show myself compassion, and when to insist that I get off my lazy arse and get something done. I know that going out for my daily walk is a good idea, whether I feel like it or not. I know that terrible feelings – grief, despair, loneliness – are an inevitable part of life, but each instance will pass eventually, if I can just hold on.

So how does this help anyone else? I don’t know. I think I’m going to try to write a series of posts sharing different things that I’ve found useful, just in case you might find them useful, too. Any other ideas?

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*Scott’s death plunged me into a world of visa problems. I spent the first 18 months living with the knowledge that I could be kicked out of the country at any time with 60 days’ notice.

**I’m not allowed to leave the country while waiting for visa decisions, so about two of the last three years.

***While Scott was undergoing treatment, his immune system was severely suppressed, so we were doing everything we could to avoid germs.

****This one probably doesn’t need an explanation, but here it is anyway – I was so broken after Scott died, I struggled to leave the apartment. I spent a lot of time on the sofa crying into the cat.

*****See visa issues, above. While I have so far been allowed to stay, there are no visa options that simply allow me to continue on with my art career. Also, I should probably take this opportunity to apologise for not knowing how to do footnotes properly in WordPress. If Scott were alive, he would figure it out for me.