Warning: this post is going to gaze squarely at my navel. Like, even more than your average post on a personal blog. I apologize in advance.
As of this summer, I have spent ten years of my life in Europe – ten out of the last fifteen, with five international (plus a few domestic) moves in that time period. I’ve changed cities on average about every two years.
I feel like I should reflect on this milestone, about how I’ve chosen to live my adult life. But what is there to say? I like living in Europe. I’m OK with being a foreigner. I could try to say something deeper than that, but I’ve never been one for sentimentality. So I’ve spent most of my adult life as an outsider looking in. That’s not so odd, given I spent most of my childhood feeling foreign, too.
I’ve been a little bit foreign almost as long as I can remember. When I was a child our little nuclear family moved from New Jersey to the Deep South. My first indication that this was a bigger deal than our move from one street in the neighborhood to the other was on the airplane. It was an early-morning Delta flight, back when airlines still served food and Delta was still Southern. Breakfast consisted of biscuits smothered in white, gooey, gelatinous ickiness with little specks in it. I looked at my mother questioningly.
She seemed a little at a loss herself. “This is what they eat where we’re going.”
I considered her answer, and started crying.
The transition went relatively smoothly from there on out, at least as far as I can remember, until one day when my third-grade teacher called me to her desk. She revealed her notebook, the one where she put little check marks next to our names when we misbehaved. There were an appalling number of marks next to my name. My cheeks burned in shame – I wasn’t used to being a bad kid.
“I understand that you’re not… from here, so I’m going to erase these checks by your name.” Her voice was kind, but I was still confused. A little more discussion revealed that I had received this mountain of bad-behavior notation due to the fact that I didn’t address her using the word “ma’am.” Many of my classmates, as I would soon figure out, were raised to call even their own mothers “ma’am,” while I wasn’t even aware of the word’s existence until that moment at Mrs. C.’s desk. I started to understand that it wasn’t The South that was strange and different; it was me.
As I grew up I got used to no one in the South ever being able to pronounce our last name. Relatives visiting from the North would bring suitcases full of contraband delights – fresh mozzarella, provolone, salami – that none of my Southern friends had ever heard of. My Northern cousins would poke fun, accusing me of having acquired a Southern accent, while in the South my speech was still considered that of an outsider. I got used to the idea that I didn’t really belong anywhere anymore. I still don’t.
Happy 10 years of being an expat in Europe to me.
Congratulations and my kudos for being extremely adaptable. Year one in Europe is just beginning to feel somewhat normal. I guess when you return to the U.S. and miss a bit of Europe, you’re beginning to adjust.
I dunno, I don’t think of this as naval gazing, I think it’s a good meditation on being an outsider and how it’s the little things that trip people up the most–like ma’am.
Word.
I fully understand you, and I wonder how I will adapt once I’m back in Canada after 25+ Years in Switzerland.
@ExpatsAgain – Thanks. Glad life here is starting to feel normal for you. I mean, assuming ‘normal’ is a good thing. 🙂
@Adam – Writing it, this felt like a bunch of personal info that might only be interesting to me. Glad it’s not coming off that way. 🙂
Fantastic post! I completely relate and I’m guessing you might still have a little more lint in your innie to share! 😉
Love the “contraband delights”! Although, I’m not venturing overseas (yet), I’m so looking forward to moving back to a more diverse city next month :).
I think this was very good. I moved from New York State to Alabama when I was in fourth grade. I honestly thought everyone down there would be like the Dukes of Hazzard!
@Headbang – To your mother.
@CanadianSwiss – I hope your re-entry goes well! It seems like everyone I know is leaving Switzerland these days…
@Christine – Thanks. I’ll see what else I can find in there. Actually I was thinking of a part two to this post in which I actually discuss my ten years in Europe, which is what I had intended to write about in the first place.
@Tina – Best of luck for your move! I hear DC is a fun place to live.
@MT – too funny about the Dukes of Hazzard. I don’t think I discovered that show until after we had moved. But between it and Hee Haw, my childhood suspicions about the south were definitely reinforced by TV.
I loved this post. My family is Southern. I thought everyone ate biscuits with gravy or ham until we moved to Boston when I was 7 (where I was teased about my Southern roots). I lived there until I was 18, and fled back to the South for college, where I was considered a Northerner. I too have gotten used to not belonging anywhere, and now, actually relish it.
Nice navel!
i love posts about you. and food. and italy, beer related events, and cultural observations.
I’m quite envious of you. I’m still trying to get my shit together (finishing up my graduate work, finding a real job) and move to Italy to do archaeological work.
I really enjoy your posts!!! Thank you!!!
Congrats Jul. I just passed the 10-year mark in Switzerland.
I love how many first-time commenters have come out for this post. Thanks for piping up, all. Keep it coming!
@Amanda – Glad to hear this post resonated with you. Great how you are enjoying your non-belonging. I like it, too.
@Heza – Thanks. 🙂
@Em – I’ll keep those in mind. I have another Italy trip I need to write up soon…
@Rachel – Best of luck with getting your shit together and moving to Rome. 🙂 I would love to live there.
@Dan – Congrats to you, too! If I were you, I’d celebrate with some fondue (but maybe wait for cooler weather, first).
Great post, Jul! I never had the fish-out-of-water experience of your move from the North to the South (moving from Kansas to Missouri isn’t really comparable), but I have always had that outsider feeling.
There’s something comforting about expatriatism to me – being in a place where you are clearly an outsider – as opposed to dwelling among the people and places I grew up with and still not feeling quite right. I like visiting my friends and family, but home is Germany now.
I missed my ten year anniversary (six months ago) and I have to say I feel the same way as you. I too, on average, have moved once every few years and I am surprised at myself: I lived in the same house for the first 21 years of my life and never expected to travel until one day it just popped into my head. May the foreigner-feeling continue to be okay for both of us!
@Sarah – I totally agree. It’s nice when the feeling of being different has an easy and obvious explanation. It also takes the pressure off to fit in.
@April – Happy belated anniversary. 🙂 Love your blog name!
Here from ICLW (#91) and I gotta say, I’m jealous of your time living abroad. I lived in Europe for awhile on and off in my college years, but haven’t made it a priority since then. You’re making me rethink my priorities. 🙂
@Josey – Welcome! It’s never too late to re-think a priority. 😉
I love your blog. I had a similar experience in reverse. My parents immigrated from Germany to the US before my first birthday. Culturally, I lived in two worlds, and didn’t really feel fully German or fully American but an awkward hybrid at best. When visiting Germany as a teenager, I was told I spoke German with an American accent!! I am enjoying your “outsider” insights. From ICLW #112.
@Carole – Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experience. Accents are funny things, aren’t they?
shoot – feel like a foreigner in kansas – might as well live in Europe and enjoy myself instead of being miserable, deprived and depraved….
I’ll have my three year anniversary of being an Expat in Germany(Freiburg, other end of the South from you) in October. It’s been the best decision I’ve ever made. Like someone else said, I like the idea not fitting because I am not supposed to. It is annoying and stressful some days, but what life isn’t. Here I can jump on a train and go awesome places. Did Croatia last summer and Greece this year.
Great blog, will have to read more.
Amazing story, really enjoyed it.
@Deborah – Come on over. But keep in mind that there are plenty of opportunities for misery and depravity over here, too…
@Andrew – Glad you are enjoying your expat experience. I agree, the ease of travel is wonderful from here.
@Dave – Thanks. 🙂
I’m with you – very happy to be a “third culture” citizen of planet Earth. I spent my first 15 years in Alabama and then much of the next 15 years in Austria, Germany, Italy and the UK. I’ve been back in the US for about 10 years now and really miss Europe! Love your blog…